This is a guest post by Nate C., a dating expert in Los Angeles. I asked Nate to share some advice for guys who want to learn how to approach women and strike up a conversation. I want to extend my gratitude to Nate for sharing these great lessons from his years of experience.
The main thing that holds men (and women) back from meeting new people is Approach Anxiety. It’s really the same thing as stage fright.
So a few (or more now) years back I was working on overcoming my own Approach Anxiety. Here’s what I did to get out of that frame and some good things to keep in mind.
1. Set a goal of approaching new women each day and meet it. I started with five and gradually moved upward. At first it doesn’t matter how good these approaches are. They can be as simple as saying ‘Hello’, ‘Good morning’, ‘Good afternoon’ etc. The idea is just to get in the habit of talking to new people all the time. Keep a log too. It helps to be accountable.
2. Force yourself to do the first approach and don’t hesitate even if you have nothing to say. Half the time I start a conversation I don’t have anything. I just push myself into it and hope something comes. Usually it does, but I’ve also had spectacular flame outs. A good way to recover if your mind goes blank is to just say, ‘I actually didn’t have a question or anything, I just saw you walking by and had to come meet you…’ Usually by that time something will come up.
3. Related to the above, have a few good comments or questions to talk about.I usually ask something about their appearance, but also have some other questions I ask. Like I said though, I’m not a routines kind of guy. I usually am off the cuff. If you have problems coming up with stuff there are a lot of good openers and lines to say online. Just stay away from the boring ones like, ‘What do you do?’, ‘Where do you live?’, ‘What car do you drive?’ Make it creative and challenging.
4. Don’t assume the guy she’s with is her boyfriend. I don’t mean that hitting on a woman in front of her boyfriend is cool, but that guys talk themselves out of talking to women who are in groups or with a guy friend. Besides you’re just meeting someone for the first time. You’re not expected to know the relationship wedge yet. It’s 50/50 whether that guy is her boyfriend or not.
5. Building on above, as part of the daily exercise, make it a habit of approaching women in groups too. DO NOT wait for the perfect opportunity to talk to her one on one. It probably will not come. Open up the whole group and start a conversation.
6. Have a good attitude and smile. A lot of this is just having a great attitude and good body language. That’s why I don’t worry so much about what I’m saying, I’ve found that the what is not as important as the how.
7. Don’t worry too much about interrupting someone. Unless its a heavy conversation they’re in most people don’t mind. As a side note, mastering graceful and not annoying interruptions is really powerful – it demonstrates value. This has to be done correctly though. Not apologetic, but not arrogant either.
8. Stay in the conversation as long as possible. If she wants to talk she’ll talk. Stay with her as long as possible.
9. Finally don’t wuss out. If she’s talking, grab her number or get her on an insta date. The key is to make your intentions clear. That’s how guys are supposed to be. Don’t hint, ask her out on a date. Even say ‘I want to take you on a date.’
The biggest things you need to remember are:
1. It’s not easy to get into this habit. It will be hard at first, but a huge amount of fun.
2. Don’t expect it to always work, especially at first. It takes some time to get calibrated and you may find the first few days with a lot of rejections / ignores.
3. This should be fun – play the game the way you like. Positivity comes across in the conversation and is a turn on.